Amanda

how can things be going so well and so sucky at the same time?

i need a sedative

or sex


but i will settle for an orgasm


or a normal speed of brainwaves crashing around up there.

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The Everything Test

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Personality You are more logical than emotional, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more loner than dependent, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more idealist than cynical, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted. As for specific personality traits, you are adventurous (69%), artistic (67%), innovative (64%), religious (60%).

Stereotypes Young Professional 100% Prep 100% Old Geezer 83%

Life Experience Sex 2% Substances 3% Travel 41%

Politics Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 39% of the time.

Socioeconomic Your attitude toward life best associates you with Upper Class. You make more than 82% of those who have taken this test, and 8% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated G. By the way, your hottness rank is 52%, hotter than 22% of other test takers.

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ps its only been a week since i have been out of school and i am bored and frustrated by jobs.

also its only been a week and 5 more is way too long

So there has been so much going on lately that I just do not know if I am becoming even more emotionally immune to this, or if I am realy that much better at dealing with everything that things are not bothering me. I cant tell. I think it is a combination of both. I am also surprised that my distrcit has not blocked this page out.

well for me at least anyway

so this crush i have is awful. I am just thinking about him way too much. anyway. I feel like I am in such a middle school relationship (if you can even call it that, which you cannot at this point in time) but seriously I was super excited when he put his arm around me. He says he is slow at the relationship thing, so take that as you will. We;ve been emailing everyday, and I'll see him both days this weekend =) ah I just need to chill. i dont want to come on too strong, but who would think i would be taking all the intiative? i am the inexperienced one here help me out buddy. I know myself and how extremely loyal I am and how much I fight for what I want and will not stop until I have what i want, so I need to find a way to constructively achieve this while not seeming desperate (which i sort of am) and not constantly asking whats going on, which I have not done since i first told him i liked him. any suggestions?

i am just driving myself crazy over this and other stuff. i wish we lived closer, or that he wasnt going cross country this summer. i want to have our "status" solidified by then, so that gives me two months to get this ball rolling. there is so much we want t do together i just hope this works out becuase if it does i think it could be really great (but then again what do i know?

Stef I agree with you so much- everything happens for a reason.

now if only I could find that reason.

so in the largest forefront of my mind is how i was blown off last night. I finally suck it up and say hey I like you. And then what happens, we plan to get together yesturday for dinner and then to go to a concert. he said he would call, but he had something until 4. so yea no call nothing. This morning i recieved a text message, which apparently was sent at 7:30 the previous night, but i never got it. saying sorry got home later than expected. Now how hard would it have been to call and say oh sorry its not going to work out, not 3 hours after we were supposed to meet. Really probably not a huge deal except for
1. Something exciting finally happens, or could happen and nothing
2. People not calling me back, or not calling when they should they would is my biggest pet peeve
3. yea got nothing else except i am disappointed.

SOOOOO but at least i got to listen to my brothers radio show. in which he said how he missed me being on family vacations. considering i havent been on one in 4 years i do too.

soul searching time has come again, and here I am just as lost as the previous year. Maybe i should suck it up and teach in NY, but i dont know. Jersey is not really doing it for me. Ive been quite manic lately seriously these mood swings are tough. Today i was like almost in freak out mode this morning and then halfway throuhg the morning i calmed down, thankfully. And what was i flipping out over? Being busy and not having enough to do. Now I have every weekend planned through the middle of May. so sad I know, and really almost through the end of May, so I am freaking out about that, But then this weekend I have half a day with nothing to do, and the weekend after that I have a a free night and an entire day free and I am freaking out. and I want the time to be able to do things, and then when i have the time i know i will not be doing anything therefore becoming lonely and reflective hence i dread it, but then if i am busy all the time i get stressed out. so hence i am seriously pathetic and you needed to know all of this.

what this boils down to is being happy. I am "happiest" when i am busiest becuase I do not have to deal with my own complexities, or what have you, when I am not busy.

Some friends want me to ditch an obligation to go to SU for the weekend(by the way Sus asked me to be one of her bridesmaids), and hang out with three married or engaged couples. No thank you. Do you know how awkward those situations are? To be sitting there out of place becuase you make the uneven number, while they all are doing their cute couply thing and discussing different things, and there you are not understanding any of it, and not to mention the looks from surrounding people. i dont need to purposefully put myself into that siatuation more than i have to. unfortunately (and dont get me wrong I would rather myself be lonely at the expense of my friends happiness, and i am more than happy for all of them I wouldnt want it any other way as long as they are happy) this is the way things are and pretty much the way it is any time i hang out with anybody. but this is my own lament. and good things will happen.

Another engagement, one of my classmates Kate who transfered to Colorado after our soph. year is engaged. crazyness seriously


and then here the guy I like is probably clueless, although each time I see him he always asks about the job search and have I thought of where or what i want to teach, so in my world he is asking this becuase he wants to know if i will even be around in a few months and therefore he can persue his mutual interest in me. well lets hope my imagination does not turn out to be a farce

somehow i ended up attracting another guy (I think) from Kohls. hes nice and all, and he always talks to me online and everything, which i never paid any attention to just thinking he is being nice, and then out of the blue he asked if i wanted to do a movie night last night, and i said I was planning on watching a movie so he could come if he wanted, so he did and we watched the movie, whatever no big deal. mind you he is this guy from kohls whom i dont know, but he reminds me of brett hosterman a lot personality wise, and i cant stand bretts personality, so there ya go thats kinda how i feel about this guy. comes off as very arogant. and now that i think about it he, meaning steve the kohls dude, burned me finale and sebalius after i guess i mentioned sometime that finale notepad doesnt have alto flute to transpose to. anyway so today i get one of those gift things from facebook, except it is the little bear with the heart and it is sent privately saying "Wanted to a send a v-day message....you're awesome" now maybe i am reading too far into this, but seriously why waste your gift on me. ugh.

now i have a perfect plan of how to see ron again, however I dont have time to carry out this plan. and i am not so thirlled about this.

had a slight freak out today about being so darn busy but then i saw the chance for a lot of snow this week so i am hoping for a snow day!!!

Clearly not a word but its my journal and i can do whatever the hell i want.

oh dear little children drove me bonkers today.

anyway so ironic is how three people were thinking of the same thing at around the same time. I woke up Sunday morning majorly missing my townhouse and my girls, and the most amazing and deep conversations that we had, and all of the time we spent together discussing our lives and other randomness. Two of the other three were thinking the same thing at around the same time, and then the third is in slovakia so its kind of hard to get in touch with her, but i did let her know. At least I will be seeing one of these amazing people this weekend.

just wanted to post that.

and restate my gladness of living so close to martha and sarah, and how much i appreciate their honesty.

Martha and Kyle are now engaged, officially. what gorgeous rings. hopefully i will be able to see sus this weekend and see her ring. so the dates for weddings are May, June 21ish July 12th all in 2008. Thats a nice space between all of them.

So here is my latest theory as my period has again driven me into this sort of depression bout.

I have some weird complex about food, as most people do. I clearly am overweight and try on and off again to lose the weight. Now the cycle goes right after my period ends i do well in eating right , and then about a week, or two if i am lucky, life interrupts and something of the healthyness has to go. So then around my period i am always extra bloated, and then things just go to hell when i have my period. Recently I have been more obsessive over this such as weighing myself every morning until i have my period when i just dont care about anything and hence dont want to know.

when my time of the month is here my emotions go haywire, and generally i am tend to overreact and get really emotional, and just harp on myself big time, which is why i have trying to not be online so i dont say or do something stupid, or read about other peoples amazing lives and get more depressed about my pahetic life, which will be posted here a little later. So eating helps me to fill this void, as i am sure this does for millions of people. if i am full on something that i want, then at least one part of me is full in some capacity. lets break this down further. And here is where we figure out why i am, but shouldnt be feeling this way. and this is more of me thinking out loud and allowing you all to read this. I am in no way looking for comments about oh you're not fat, you have low self esteem, blah blah blah. but if you agree with my theory then you may comment.

so lets look at the voids:
Personal life/social: I live by myself, so therefore I see friends about once a month if i am lucky. No i lied. i see seth and sarah almost every week, but this month only once. ok but still. having adult contact once or twice a week not so acceptable. even at school i am in corners and have weird schedules so i never talk to people. now i talk to some people when i am home, but again my complexes take over and i never want to bother anybody or what have you.

Love Life: None. therefore nothing to say. well im hoping and trying. sort of. and again with all of the past activitiy with my close friends getting engaged, which i am thrilled beyond words and cannot be happier, at the same time there is a tiny tiny part of me that is extremely jealous, and another part that just does not understand at all, and yay

Work: Yea not so thrilled with teaching lessons. Maybe it is just the elementary level i dont like. i dont know. I never really liked private lessons, so i dont know what my deal is. dreading with a passion having to look for another job. I have some more basis this time on finding places, and even more of it is living near people, which is pushing me to maybe go back to pa. i dont know anymore.

but there are some positives. i am doing what i wanted to do, which i am def taking a toll for at doing at all costs.

so to fill this void i try to make myself busy so i dont have to deal with myself, hence working at kohls so in the event that i dont have anything to do it wont matter becyase i will be working. except this backfired on new years as i will end up alone. awesome.

so to conclude on the eating if i eat something that i want to the point where i am satisfied then i am ok. and i plan to base my day or something around when i can eat, or what, and i "need" to always eat something, which lends to always having some stability, meaning i will eat something. which when my emotions are low i jsut want something comforting, which is normal obviously. which is why maybe my dad is so overweight and eats all the time, due to his emotions and his bi-polar, schitzo whatever you want to diagnose it as. and maybe i am talking out of my ass here. which is completely positive. but there is no way in hell i will 1. ever talk about this to somebody, well maybe my pt, but thats about it. and 2. i rarely get this bad to actually talk or think about it.

i need to look into my insurance and how the therapy works, and if it is covered. however i need to go to the dentist and the gyno first (no liz i still havent gone) ive been thinking on and off about this. i realize some, probably most of my "issues" are normal and what have you, but i think there is still something that was left under the surface from two years ago. Not that i am anywhere near where i was, yay, but i guess it cant hurt.

amazingly i feel so much better. much calmer. i realize that i can probably "help myself" in some of this, and i have been getting better at some things. living on my own has forced me to talk since there is never anybody around to pick up on feelings, and then again this has made it worse because i dont have to put on a show for anybody and can allow myself to feel bad and not have anybody know about it.

well i think im done i jsut keep going in circles anyway.

well not really done. upon re reading this i was reminded of how frustrated i get when people say "oh yes i understand i am in the same situation" no you're not, and you are making me feel worse. granted there are a few people who can ligitamately say i understand, such as never having a relationship- yes there two people i will accept this from, and are the only two people i ligitamately complain to about this. anybody else who says they understand can bite me. and living by yourself and not talking to people you know. i can relate to one persons experienec and again, thats it. anybody else can bite their tongues becuase i dont want to hear it. let me complain say im sorry that sucks and then there, life moves on.

i will try not to complain as much becuase i fear i have been getting too negative with some people.

tis the season for engagements fa la la la la la la la la


Susie Price and Jeff Weller are the lastest to be engaged, as of Thursday Dec. 7th that is. When sus called me yesturday i was sooo excited and almost screaming into the phone, lucky for her i didnt have a voice so it didnt matter much, but aw Jeff did a good job in surprising us all! dont ask me what the ring looks like cuase i have no idea. excpet another one of these posts in a little over 2 weeks, as miss fuchs and kyle will be in paris. and why else would you go to paris over the holidays other than to get engaged.



anyway is it possible to have butterflies about something you have never done or more someone you have never met? I am going to answer my own question- yes. but darn my imagination and wandering mind. sometimes i curse you. but i think im finally ready for something more.

Lorenzo made a huge mistake (well at least i think so) I was so mad last night, even though i knew he was going to pick jen, i wish sadie would have won. whatever. sarah and i bitched about it, and i am sure allison and i will discuss this in s

http://www.forbes.com/finance/mktguideapps/personinfo/FromPersonIdPersonTearsheet.jhtml?passedPersonId=895271

I am pretty sure this is my uncle. I always knew he had tons of money and what not, but this proves it. For some reason I thought he was much older than my dad. lets do the math. He's in florida now, so maybe its not him, but for the past three years he lived out in milwaulkee. soo ill do more research. This can explain why my brothers and I get $100 every Christmas, and why he sent us a car. Sadly I do not know him well becuase he has lived all over the country, and my cousins are a lot older, but his son Ryan lives between philly and puerto rico. so i am going to work on getting information on him and maybe we can meet up or he can introduce me to some of his friends. haha. i believe he is 25 or 26, so his friends would be around the right age for me.

my mom was telling me about my cousin (my third cousin) Mary's wedding that was in Cape Cod this weekend. Many of my second and third cousins and aunts and uncles were there. I havent seen most of them since the house across the street was owened by the Whelans and there were mad parties all the time. hopefully i will get to see some pictures. the mullany family curse was also confirmed- oldest daughter is a teacher and the last to get married. haha, except in Kristins case, her brother Ryan is still not married. i hope they have lifted this ban. we'll have to see when Tara and Patty get married. blargh. anyway. to summerize im sad that i was not able to see my cousins or uncle tommy and aunt lorraine (especially now that i can legally drink in front of them, whereas the last time i saw them at my aunts wedding i was drinking a fuzzy navel and aunt lorraine scolded me for drinking underage)

if anybody will be in philly/south jersey for new years let me know! ill be here! i can also willing to drive up to 2 hours to meet up with someone!

Wow two posts in a week. you guys must be keeling over in shock. Well I was thinking about something and wanted to post it.

I observed another inst. music teacher who has been teaching for 10 years. She introduced me and said Mrs. Mullany, and then corrected herself and said Miss Mullany. Then she proceeded to say she's way too young to get married.

So as I am reflecting over the day I think about this. I am 22, and yes I feel way too young to be married. But by now all of our parents were married and might even have one child. In the past society would look down on us for not being married now, so I wonder does society look down upon those who are already married now? I certainly do not, as one of my closest friends is, but I was just wondering. Or maybe the baby boomers or the generation before them look down upon those who are married at age 21 or 22, and generation x and y are indifferent.

I just thought it was interesting, not that it matters either way to me.

I hear a child outside and I hope I get trick or treaters becauase I bought 4 bags of candy and i cant give out candy in school. (you can not give out anything that has sugar as the first ingredient) and i purposly bought stuff i dont like so i wont eat it (but dont worry its still good candy for the kids)

and as i am social coordinating for this weekend I already find myself double booked at two different times. ha i always sucked at that.

ok as an add on- i recently heard dont keep score in the friendship- it doesnt matter who calls who or how many times one person does this, as long as you talk thats all that matters.

i agree with this, some what, and need to remember this, but sometimes it is hard.

I try not to be shallow, but somtimes I just cant help it.

I went to Martha's party tonight which, as all parties are, awkward at first, but it ended up being a lot of fun. now I was having a complex to begin with because this was a halloween party. I didnt want to dress up. My first costume was a magic 8 ball, but i felt dumb so i changed and went in my scrubs. Of course I get there and her one of her roommates and three other people there are in school to be PA's. ha what a loser i am. And then I am looking around as we were playing catch phrase only to heighten my complex that I am by far the ugliest person there. Not that it matters much becuase all of these gorgeous (side note what word to use? girls implies small children, ladies does not seem right and women seems too old) females have equally if not more attractive boyfriends. Lucky for me I was sitting next to Matt something who is the traffic report guy for the Philly station of the ABC news. Very cute. It was really cool talking to him and learning about his job, which amazingly I was thinking about the hours these people put in. He has a split shift and works from 4am-9am, and then from 4-6pm. talk about shitty hours but hey if you are on tv who cares. sadly i did not get to talk to him much becuase I was talking to kyle, marthas boyfriend, which in the long run is more important to me. also sad- there were 4 teachers there and we were all tired and ready for bed at like 11.

and on another shallow note I was talking with my schools physical therapist who shares my room on fridays and we were talking about marriage and such and ages and everything, and she asked me how old she was and I told her, and she told me she was 31. I would never have guessed thats how old she was, and i let her age sink in and then said wow i never knew that, and she was like I was waiting for you to say that. I was a little taken aback by that, but then here I am ranting about myself so whatever.

I thought I had another pretentious comment to make, or at least I wanted to a few days ago but have since forgotten.


i love my job. I realized today how much more i can be doing with my students and i have all of these ideas i need to start writing down before I forget.

Next weekend I am off the SU with Martha (hopefully) for Casey's recital!! yay so excited. Then I have an easy week at school, half day on tuesday, and no school on thurs or friday, so I will be traveling back to Carmel for Liz's birthday. Hopefully I will be able to go to the city and see Katie. I havent been to the city in such a long time!!! I think the last time i was there was to see the producers over easter break. I really want to go to the met. maybe thats somehting we can look into.

By the end of the week my apartment should be completely ready for visitors. Well I am going to change that and the decorations should be up in the next two weeks, but I am going to aim to put them up this week. My furniture is in and now I have a living room. yay

and in other news I finally got the cds that i ordered at the end of last year of some band performances. the one that I was most interested in was from first semester of my junior year. Its interesting how much things change, and how much some things have not. For instance, RA! sitll sounds as awful as ever, but the Persichetti which I was so worried about and cried for the entire night after the concert sounds fine, and you can not tell of any mistakess at all. I spent an entire semester worrying and sucking at that piece and it didnt matter one way or the other. Go figure. and sadly Ride did not make it onto the cd, but thats quite alright. Although I do enjoy singing about riding with Jack every now and then which proves how much of a dork I really am.

To top off another depressing night by myself while all of my other friends were together in some way or another, I watched another badly chosen movie and heard the people above me having sex.

My grandbig is engaged!!! The story is really cute too! They're getting married in the summer of 2008. This is the first official engagement for couples wanting to get married that summer. I have heard plans of four more couples thinking about that summer to get married. that is going to be crazy!!!I best be having a date by then to bring to all of them.


i miss my sassay girls. and generally anybody i ever came in contact with in the past.

i have decided I am having a ritas wedding cake. no, they do not make them, but dont worry by the time i get married they will. better start working on that idea now.

In 2 days i am moving to Jersey. I will be right near Philly- if you want any more info ill send it to you.

Packing sucks. And dont wait until the day before to do everything.

Right now i am on the phone with uhual again

Congrats Angela!!!!!

Everybody is getting engaged, or will be by the end of the year. I am so happy for everybody, but at the same time i cant help but be a little sad/frustrated/disappointed/disillusioned/immature the list goes on and on.


I learned a valuable lesson yesturday. And to becky and all of the others who had to sit with us at dinner and lunch and breakfast, im sorry for always talking about music or the music department gossip. (which i found out more last weekend and i am sure this weekend will produce more of the same).


so sigh. still no job, but prospects i hope. Moving to port jervis to live with dawn would be so much fun.....

the bachelorette gathering was so much fun. I miss everybody so much.

It sucks to find out information through other people. i always seem to get frustrated with communication problems, and i wonder if it is me or what. this was one of my worst fears not too long ago. i guess it is not so bad, becuase nothing is ever awkward, well haha maybe once, but that wont happen again. that was partially my fault, and i wont let that happen again.

I am so lucky to have such amazing friends which as my away message has said :
I have the best friends ever, and here's why:
1. They let me stay with them whenever I need to, and they all live near a Ritas
2. They check my mail for me when I can't
3. They call to make sure im ok :-)

And maybe even more important, they all (well those who have significant others) have amazing boyfriends and they are so lucky in that regard, and im so happy for all of them, especially those who are close to marriage or engagement, which is pretty much all of them.

Marissa and I were discussing last night- how do you tell someone that you dont like their boyfriend, especially when they are your good friend? knowing me i would say something. If it is early on then its not so bad, but after a while, like if they are dating for a few months and the guy shows his true colors, what do you do?